"treatments"

instinctual powers are so sweet when they cross with desperate necessity.

i was several weeks into my seven week radiation program about this time five years ago after a right side, outer quadrant lumpectomy for the removal of ductal carcinoma insitu (meaning it wasn't going anywhere, fast). with the presence of "multi foci" at the perimeter of my excision it is customary to proceed with radiation. not only was i not handling the diagnoses very well, but the decision to agree to the radiation treatments was a battle in it's own right between my instincts/fears and the persuasive powers of the medical world in which i was participating. i agreed to receive these "treatments" at a university hospital where a brilliant radiation oncologist was teaching and practicing. while i respected, admired and enjoyed her as a professional in her field my experience during this time was probably the most frustrating and challenging in my life so far.

i realized quickly that upon entering the arena of medicine, with a medical crisis as my guide, without warning or instruction i was to be stripped of my humanity, integrity and modesty and become merely a container of broken goods to be fixed by the arrogance dressed in white coats. or so they thought...

i began the radiation journey by refusing to have the small permanent tattooed dots installed into the flesh of my right breast area that would be used to map and direct the treatment beam. fortunately the oncologist didn't put up much of a fight and decided that i could have daily markings drawn on me as long as i would make every effort to not wash them off in the shower. i promised to do my best. however the technician let me know through her huffing and puffing that this would make her job more difficult- each day having to take 2-5 minutes performing touch-up to the markings. i began treatment in a state of emotional wreckage. still not quite believing this was my life that i was living at the age of 36 i went to most of my treatments alone. i felt that if someone came with me it would become a big deal. this was not a big deal. this thing that was making me feel like i was going to fall from the edge of sanity each day i eneterd the zapping room that reminded me of my mortality- receiving treatments that, as i understood it, were purely a gamble- with guaranteed, moderately priced physical risks. each day this was mixed with witnessing other people on much more physically, psychologically and spiritually challenging journeys than i was- i mean, my immediate life was not threatened- just the slippery illusion that i would grow old and witness all of the appropriate right-of-passages that the average 100 year old woman sees throughout her life. what was stirring me most was the impresion that i was losing control of my health, my body and my right to own it. as the radiation treatments progressed i began asking to see the daily xrays as a way to participate in the process. to see inside my skin. to witness possible changes to my bones, muscles, lung, lymph nodes, thorax and possibly my heart. needless to say the radiation technician who was administering the treatments didn't think this was necessary and felt that i had nothing to gain from it. so as days passed i would numb myself to the environment, suppress my needs while becoming more and more sensitive to the actions around me. each day i'd arrive, beside myself, and wait to be called into the treatment area. once in i'd change into a gown and wait with others who were receiving radiation. i remember a man i saw daily who looked to be in his 70's and being treated for throat cancer. the nurses talked to him like he was a child and this drove me freaking crazy. he had recently become weak and was now in a wheel chair. one day he was taken in and i was left alone with his wife. she began to tell me that he was losing hope and that the night before he sat in his truck, alone. no music playing. just sat alone for hours. she felt helpless and wasn't sure of the status of her own hope either. i don't remember what i said to her- i was focused so hard on not crying for her. not showing any pity- hoping only that her husband would make it through the dreadful treatments, survive and get his dignity back. eventually i'd get called in and i'd enter "the room" which always had some pop-rock radio station playing. it always annoyed me that the music was clearly meant to distract either me or the technician. either way i felt like i was invading someone's space- like this was their space- not mine- so they decide that while i lay there and get zapped it's ok to be listening to some crappy music that i wasn't in the mood for. once up on the table and under the machine i'd unveil myself. and, as if the music issue wasn't enough, on several occasions various doctors and technicians would walk in and never bother to introduce themselves while i lay there, exposed and already really pretty pissed off. afterwards i'd gather myself with as much grace as possible and head back to the dressing room. there, in the closet, while applying my pure aloe vera gel and fresh vitamin e oil to my breast to prevent or lessen "radiation burn" and keep the skin as healthy as possible- i'd bawl in an attempt to cry the anger out before i departed for work.

one sunday night, restless and heavy with dread of the weekly ritual ahead of me (no radiation on weekends) i couldn't sleep and retired to the couch to prepare for a sleepless night with the television. instead, however, without much thought i picked up a book that i hadn't started reading yet called "love, medicine and miracles" by bernie siegel. randomly i opened to a page with the words "a group for rule breakers". one and a half pages into reading i found these words:

"... at the other extreme are the 15 to 20 percent who are exceptional. they're not auditioning; they're being themselves. they refuse to play the victim. when acting out that role, patients cannot help themselves, for everything is being done TO them... exceptional patients refuse to be victims. they educate themselves and become specialists in their own care. they question the doctor because they want to understand their treatment and participate in it. they demand dignity, person-hood, and control, no matter what the course of the disease... it takes courage to be exceptional."

with that- an emotional flood of relief came over me. monday morning came and i gave the technician three options in as kindly a voice as possible but filled with "i've had enough" regarding her music. turn it down. turn it off. or play classical. she turned it off. on tuesday she asked me what i wanted to listen to. i began introducing myself to anyone and everyone who walked into the room. this always burdened the intruder with guilt having not offered introductions first. and by friday of that week, after a firm request, i was meeting with the assistant to my oncologist to review every single x-ray film taken during my treatments.

on my 37th and last day i took in a cd and asked that it be played during my treatment. after setting up the machine for it's final direct "boost" zap the technician placed the cd in the player, pressed play and left the room to retreat to her safe zone. as the door closed behind her the song began. and the group "cake" sang these words to me...

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f***ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah