2 stories. and waiting.

last monday night (day of the mri) or should i say tuesday morning i find myself still chasing sleep at 2:30 am. this was, most likely, due to the two cups of coffee i had consumed after dinner combined with a little "wait n'worry" anxiety. i swear i don't know why i do either. so after all of our viewable six chanels go into info-mercial overdrive i decide to see what's on channel 13, a pbs channel. by the texture and format of the program i conclude that it's a documentary film. i'm immediately relieved that i have found something that will consume the time that sleep refuses to embrace. "A Ring of their Own" becomes an engaging story of Ann-Marie Saccurato and Angel Bovee, two young lesbian boxers in a male driven arena. the film unveils a path of determination and passions so driven that it propels these women through personal and social struggles. their mental and physical commitment to nurture their passion for the sport of boxing is bold and- dare i say it because it sounds so cheesy- inspirational and get-off-my-arse moving. the film works it's way up to a particular fight between WBC light-weight world champion Saccurato and two-time world champion Jelena Mrdjenovich in Mrdjenovich’s hometown of Edmonton, Canada.. aside from seeing Laila Ali on "Dancing with the stars" this was my introduction to women's boxing and it's still unclear if i'll be able to call myself an avid fan anytime in the near future but i'm not ruling it out either. we can keep an eye on Angel and Ann-Marie's progress here.

so with sleep still having no interest in me at all, i waited to see what film would follow that edge-of-your-seat-10-round fight between Ann Marie and Jelena. now, i'm notorious for coincidentally picking up the right book to read or going to see just the right movie that seems to be a perfect psychological fit for my mood. and i'm always amazed when i look up just in time to witness the glide of a single bird in an otherwise empty sky. it's those moments that are just meant to intersect. well, the next film that came on was the perfect companion to "A ring of Their Own" and simply right for my 'waiting for mri results" mind. stories about life. real living and moving forward despite anything. just moving forward into the days with nothing but everything alloted to you.

what reeled next was "So Much So Fast", a film about Stephen Heywood, a 29 year old man diagnosed with ALS. this documentary film compresses a five year witness to Stephen and his army of family and friends. after Stephen is diagnosed the race is on- to live life and find, discover, and ambitiously explore the possibilities for a cure. unlike "A Ring of Their Own" i knew how this story would inevitabley end. having started reading brain hell an ongoing four year old blog written by a man living with ALS, i know that there is, still, no cure. however, what i didn't know was how far into Stephen's fatal prognosis the film would go.

it wasn't the cliche reference of the 'fight' in the first film nor the potentially simplistic implication of a 'fight for life' illusion that can sufocate the true heroics of the second film that claimed my viewing of these two documentaries as seredepitous. in both films, it was, the presence of raw, tangible necessity to move forward despite and/or in the face of realities.

some time during these films this thought occured to me; while either anxiously waiting the outcome of Ann-Marie's Edmonton fight or witnessing Stephen's oncoming reality i realized that even though i did not yet have knowledge of their outcomes- the end of both stories already existed. if i were to turn the television off during either film the outcome would not change- i simply would not know it. in this weird cerebral process i realized that the same held true for my mri results- that as i lay there in bed the reality of the results already existed. even if the diagnostic report was not yet on some desk in the "call patient" pile the results, in fact, existed in my body- either i have cancer again or i don't- one or the other is already a reality simply waiting to be unveiled. unchangeable. no one just "gets" cancer. it is present for a long while before it can actually be observed and diagnosed as a seeable threat. i didn't know what to do with this concept. if i took the 'it doesn't matter- it is what is so i might as well move forward with a clean bill of health' attitude i risked being deceived. but if i worried and imagined all the possible cell stages and treatments i would be a miserable human being to be with only to risk wasting valuable time after discovering the coast is actually clear to head back into the hills of illusionville. in either case i did find unusual surrendered comfort knowing that there was absolutely nothing i could do to stop whatever reality was mine. and in either case i will, like most of us, continue to live in the "systemic denial of approaching reality" whether that be cancer or really really old age.

as of monday 4.16.07:
mri results are in... "FINE". no evidence of cancer.

secrets. truths. and for the record.

shortly after my first mammogram several years ago following my mastectomy i began to explore the words "prophylactic mastectomy". my second diagnoses was considered a local reoccurrence with non-invasive carcinomas found near the chest wall. in case you've missed my medical history 101 from previous post- my first DCIS diagnoses was followed by a lumpectomy and radiation treatments. at the time the lumpectomy seemed like a refreshing idea compared to a mastectomy which was posed only as an unnecessary extreme option by two surgeons. in my mind a mastectomy represented an even closer look at my mortality. and to this day i have no idea why i agreed to radiation treatments. the idea of radiating my breast to save it or my life seemed absurd, even then. i can understand radiation treatments for organs of the body that have a precious mechanical function involving life support and can't be removed. i remember saying to one of my radiologist that i was considering moving forward without radiation and she replied "but it's your life we're talking about." if preventing a re-occurrence and saving my life is truly the mission of the medical world i would have had a mastectomy- the first time around. it is that simple.

i sometimes wonder if those cells that were found in breast tissue close to the chest wall, yes even after those 37 hardy radiation treatments, had a chance to travel; infiltrating neighboring lymph nodes or sneak into the bones during those three years that my breast remained- acting as a conduit. waiting only to unveil themselves in future years during their more advanced fruitful cellular life cycle. only time will tell.

so here i am tonight thinking about the mri i had this afternoon on my left, remaining breast. the breast that has become a psychological ticking time-bomb. since my mastectomy an mri is recommended once a year 6 months after my mammogram. i missed it last year (insurance issues) so this was my second. i was an emotional wreck this morning and was wondering why i even made the appointment. i mean, after all, the mammogram and ultra-sound unveiled nothing suspicious. for the love of pudding why would i want to open the doors for potentially crappy results. i mean, the longer i put off this procedure the longer i can just worry every now and then or wonder if the coast is clear to move forward in life like most people free from cancer. la-dee-da. i know, i know- i'm suppose to feel better just KNOWING so the mri should be a relief. but the thing is it's not a 50-50 thing going in. my chances are higher than the average bear and it's these odds that were pushing me to cancel the appointment. i was starting to convince myself that a little worry was worth NOT knowing. then i imagined how i'd feel after canceling the appointment. irrational and irresponsible came to mind followed by a truck load of what that worry would feel like all over again. and i know that as long as i have this breast i should take advantage of all possible screening techniques. so i brushed my damn teeth, pulled my hair back, slipped on my "boots with attitude" and put on my best "let's get this shit over with" face and walked out the door. i departed from our loft in brooklyn 15 minutes later than i had planned but still hoping to arrive cool, calm and collected. as i ascended the subway stairs on an upper east side street and back into the cool air under blue sky and sunshine i realized i was already five minutes late for my appointment with 4 long city blocks to walk ahead of me. darn! but then i think "here's my out". so i pull out the ol' celly and call the mri office. "hi, this is Jacqueline and i have a 2:30 appointment. well, i really underestimated my travel time and won't be there for another 10-15 minutes. i should probably reschedule, right?" and then came the strangely accommodating reply "oh, no. you're doing just fine. we'll see you when you get here". CRAP! i arrived hot-n-stinky, red-faced and out of breath. but i arrived.

so long story even longer i survived the mri with only minor details such as the fountain of blood that occurred when the technician was inserting the iv line into the bend of my arm for the mri contrast agent and she either uncapped too soon or didn't cap soon enough while singing "oh dat's a gude vein... a gude vein" as i witnessed a fair amount of my very own sweet red juices spurt out and penetrate the nice white wee wee pad she had carefully laid out next to me. "please, oh please let this be the worse thing that comes of all this" i sang in my head. and then there's the excruciating pain in my recently diagnosed impinged shoulder (oh, i'm gonna post about that at a later date- so stay tuned) that i had to tolerate because i had to have my arms stretched out above my head for over 30 oh-for-the-love-of-get-me-outa-here minutes.

so. with all of that accomplished and unleashed i wanted to take this opportunity to state- FORTHE RECORD- that in advance of the results of this mri that i have already discussed a prophylactic single mastectomy with my physician and i have contacted a surgeon to set up a meeting to discuss it further. i just want it to be known that i have empowered myself with this option. that i am setting up the game rules from now on and that i will not wait until cancer is invading my body before i take REAL preventive action to keep breast cancer out of my life and not simply at bay... or more honestly, i am seriously, seriously considering it.

so
just for the record.
before the results are in.
let that be known.