on being ageless.

It is a great essay! But after reading "What would Susan do?" by Matthew Zachary I must note that we should give credit where credit is due. The "think before you pink" project began in 2002 by BREAST CANCER ACTION - one of the leading and growing breast cancer advocacy organizations in the country. Their politics, ideologies and mission transcends ageism and is not limited to a stereotyped 40+ crowd. It's quite bothersome when "young" people (supposedly under 40) stereotype the "non-young" (anyone over 40). GenerationX has ALL generations before them to thank for paving the way for their inventions and attitudes. The only difference between my diagnosis at 36 and my diagnosis at 40 was my age in years- I was the same person. My rebellious, socially inquisitive and ageless disposition will remain throughout my years and GenX will discover this truth themselves one day. After 40 we don't automatically buy into questionable mainstream rallies like the pink ribbon. Neither did my 70+ year old grandmother for that matter when she had breast cancer. Plenty of "young" women support Komen and pink ribbon product consumption (hardcore!- trust me I've talked to some of them). Attend a Susan G. Komen walk and you'll see what I mean. It's not an age/generation thing that makes someone uncomfortable with organizations like Komen or PINK marketing in general. It's a rising social/political conscience issue that's been addressed for years by many women with strong social and feminist views even before GenX when we weren't even so saturated with it. We must all be responsible reporters/writers and not buy into ageism like so many other facets of the media where YOUNG is better. It's the ideologies and politics of rebellious generations before us of all ages that actually gives rise to progress and unveils oppressive ideologies and presents these observations to the next generation. I mean, I'm 44 but my clothing line and website are informing younger women of non-traditional/mainstream choices they didn't think they had. Many of my garments have sold to 25-30 year olds with and without cancer. I'm going to be cool and progressive even at 90! In a world where we require permission by red-carpet celebrities or DOVE soap commercials to be proud of grey hair and wrinkles it's important for those of us, of all ages, with a sensitive social conscience to come together- to be ourselves and embrace our strong voices beyond the boundaries of the number of our living years.

Komen knows exactly what they are doing and their marketing has absolutely everything and nothing to do with age. That's the brilliance of Komen. They're simply a money machine. When many women wrote to Komen and complained about this ad a Komen representative responded by saying the ad was intended to reach a "younger" crowd by using an "image they could relate to". While social and feminist conscience women were enraged even by the response, the signs remained. I'd like to say that Komen is out of touch with the younger crowd but it seems they are not. If we are really out to change the flow of this river we must address the fundamental "wrongs" in these campaigns for "cure/research" and get young people on board with the offensive social/feminine/consumer assault that these campaigns provoke and not just calling "foul" to the superficial by-products of the regime (the pink ribbons and product consumption). And even more importantly we shouldn't ever separate the old from the youth in these battles - you need some of us on board- we're fighting the same battles and we're passionate. To say "We're on our own. And as I like to say, GenX cancer will only be fixed by GenX." is a bit of a stretch.

I personally think all women should read The Cancer Journals by Audre Lorde in order to clearly understand how far we have not come in defining and owning our personal feminine ideologies and our bodies. The PINK thing transcends marketing/disease/body/consumer exploitation. It's simply oppressive and women in the fields of feminist studies, anthropology, socio-political and marketing have been writing about it for years already. Until people educate themselves on HOW we got to this point with disease marketing/exploiting/profiteering via product consumption and the landscape of advertising they will not understand what it will take to change it's course. The Susan G. Komen foundation is not a bad organization. All of the effort and contributiuons they make towards funding research and assiting the econimically challenged/medically under-served population with screening is commendable. For me, it is not only their no holds barred marketing and advertising that I find has much to be desired but their capitalistic conservative political practices are transparent as well. The foundation lobbied against a pro-consumer patient-rights bill in 1999, 2000, and 2001; the bill that the company sponsored is known as "the HMO Bill of Rights." Not to mention they clearly display absolutely no regard or interest in the causes of breast cancer. As the rising rock-star of money making/receiving organizations for the "cause" I wish they'd at least run a more progressive, socially sensitive, feminist sensitive show- stop exploiting our bodies, stop implying breast cancer is all about our breast and not our lives and stop making cancer out to be something we fight, kick and punch... or lose to. Treat us, the consuming public, like intelligent people. We have also only to blame all the companies who participate in "pink product" merchandising at the expense of those fighting breast cancer while pushing their products stamped with a ribbon. For every lid licked, every product labeled at the grocery with a pink ribbon and beyond simply lies a transparent opportunity to make a buck (with usually very little actually going to the "cause") through passive, empty empathy. Every October there's an open invitation to profit from of a disease- someone else's misfortune. The question is not "what would Susan do?"- it would be arrogant to even speculate or imply she would do anything differently than her sister.

Resources from Rebel1in8:

Patient No More: The Politics of Breast Cancer by Sharon Batt

Breast Cancer: Society Shapes an Epidemic by Anne S. Kasper

The Politics of Breast Cancer by Maureen Hogan Casamayou

The Breast Cancer Wars: Hope, Fear, and the Pursuit of a Cure in Twentieth-Century America by Barron H. Lerner

A Darker Ribbon: A Twentieth-Century Story of Breast Cancer, Women, and Their Doctors by Ellen Leopold

Pink Ribbons, Inc by Samantha King

Unravel The Ribbon by Sarah Lochlann Jain

Pink Ribbon Madness.

Welcome to Cancer Land.

Crunch For the Cure.

Awareness and truths.

words. and tolerance.

The following are quotes that I've heard this weekend. No kidding.

This was said to a friend of mine after she informed a friend of her upcoming bi-lateral mastectomy:

"I hope you're going to have reconstruction- a woman at my gym had a mastectomy without reconstruction and she's always 'in your face' about it."

This was said to my sister today while she was telling a neighbor about my Rhea Belle clothing.

"Oh, your sister didn't have reconstruction? I know a young woman in her thirties that had a mastectomy. She HAD to get reconstruction because she's young and beautiful."

It's a really good thing both of these ideas were not expressed to me. Just an FYI when talking to me... if you can dish it out- you better be able to take it. (And stand beyond arms reach, just in case.) BTW: I live in the supposed liberal, hip/cool, intellectual, cultural, anything-goes New York City... and actually I've learned over the years- sometimes, it's anything but.

offerings, politics and poetics. the conclusion.

Less fabric and draping. A snip there and rip-it-out there. And happily all padding-and-pockets-free with support in the right places while comfort reins! Now THIS is a wearable, comfortable and practical "post-mastectomy" bathing suit! (continued from)

More comments here...

offerings, politics and poetics cont'.

This lil' review of the pictured Lands' End swimsuit is continued from "offerings, politics and poetics". Please jump over there to catch up... unless you're already up-to-date, it might be a good idea to familiarize yourself with this exchange.

I am really grateful to the Lands' End marketing rep for sending this swimsuit (Item #28066-1AJ5) to me to sample for her. The suit I received seems a bit different from the one advertised with more excessive draping of the front fabric. But it is certainly cool beach/pool gear- the style and cut are indeed a bit retro and fun. But while the style is appealing the body-shaping-hugging fabric/design seems a bit breathtakingly tight with perhaps 'too much' style over comfort for a hot day at the beach for someone who is ACTIVE and not just sunning poolside. And I usually prefer something made of cotton or at least a cotton blend. But we'll see.

The Lands' End marketing representative promised that "For women who have chosen to use a prosthetic, the bra and liner provides support to hold that in place, however you do not need to have had reconstructive surgery or a prosthetic for this to be a great swim option."

Anyway, as I expected this post-mastectomy swimsuit is hardly an ideal option for someone who wants to go to the pool or beach "prosthesis-free". As you can see in the photos with the suit on Rhea, a one-breasted mannequin (there is no right breast) the puffy empty side is awkwardly asymmetrical and pulled somewhat flat- and not by thoughtful, conceptual aesthetic design. The last thing I want is to appear like I'm wearing a bathing suit that is intended for another body and I've desperately resolved to wearing this one for whatever reason - including the KNOWN reason that there ISN'T a bathing suit made for my body. Also, as you can see in the second photo, if the empty cup is even barely touched it pushes/smushes in, unveiling a "missing" form beneath this architectural disguise. There is ample support for the "breasted" side but the extra padding/pocket and fabric for a prosthesis makes this side, too, feel a bit unnecessarily "enhanced". Plus, because both sides are shaped and designed for a prosthesis both sides demand a certain sized breast or prosthesis to fill them up... and my breast just doesn't fill the left side amply- thus it, too, is smushable for this reason. There is also a rigid, stiff, pokey devise sewn into each side of the suit at the underarm/torso area (3/8" x 4") that appears to serve to shape and support the sides/fabric- but it is uncomfortable and itchy. The back of this swimsuit, however, is nice indeed.

A note: One thing that annoys me to no end is that, like most other marketers and/or manufacturers of mastectomy swim wear and bras, is that they use two-breasted women in their advertisements. A two-breasted woman would not be shopping for a post-mastectomy swimsuit with prostheses pockets! It is quite obvious that the woman wearing the swimsuit that I chose has NOT had a mastectomy on either side. I believe this is mis-representation of how the apparel will actually fit the intended client and her prosthesis. I could go into detail of how I can tell but women who have actually had a mastectomy without reconstruction know what I'm talking about. To see a two-breasted-never-had-a-mastectomy woman in these suits is a tad-bit offensive. But bear in mind- this is just a note. If I'm wrong about these models- please, let me know otherwise.

I have some work to do to this suit but there are definitely some possibilities to transform it into wearable pool/beach gear for a one-breasted woman like myself. I plan to start cutting and sewing this week so please stay tuned...

offerings, politics and poetics.

(photo: Rhea in the light of day.)

sharing a dialogue
unveiling the views
digging for poetics

and all the while

in a single breasted
or breast-less world...
the ocean awaits.

*

"Hi Jacqueline,

My name is *** I work for *** on behalf of our client, Lands' End. I recently saw your post on post-mastectomy winter clothing and thought you and your readers may be interested in the mastectomy swimwear line from Lands’ End, since summer is right around the corner.

You can view the line here.

Lands’ End mastectomy swimwear is made to help women feel feminine and confident while participating in all summer activities:

All suits are designed with a soft cup bra for additional support.

The bra and liner hold the prosthesis in place with a durable under-bra elastic band to provide free range of motion, maximum comfort and the ultimate confidence on the beach.

Each suit is constructed to hold one or two breast prostheses.

All suits are feminine, expertly made and of course, beautiful as they flatter all figures.

If you’re interested, we can conduct a product giveaway for your readers or provide you with products for your review.

I'd love the chance to provide you any additional information or answer any of your questions. Please let me know if you're interested.

Best regards,
*** "

*

Hello there ***,
I do appreciate your letter and information. However, I don't think that you are truly familiar with my audience or me and I'm not sure exactly which post you are referring to.

I and most of my loyal readers and clients have not had reconstructive surgery OR embrace the concept/philosophy of using a prosthesis. With this in mind the traditional "post-mastectomy" clothing, bras and swimwear are of no use to us.

Should you ever be interested in representing the growing number of women who are simply embracing their transformed architecture without painful reconstruction or the uncomfortable use of a prosthesis please see my evolving clothing line www.rheabelle.com and we can talk about perhaps expanding my market for these much needed and desired garments.

Kindly,
Jacqueline Skaggs

*

"Hi Jacqueline,

Thank you for your response. The post I was referring to was this one about restructuring Laurie's clothing after her single right side Mastectomy. I also visited the clothing line here which features clothing options for women post-mastectomy. Perhaps I was too general in my first email.

I think it is very inspiring that you offer clothing for women who have chosen not to have reconstructive surgery or use a prosthesis. Lands' End's Mastectomy Swimwear line offers a swimwear option for all women who have had a mastectomy. For women who have chosen to use a prosthetic, the bra and liner provides support to hold that in place, however you do not need to have had reconstructive surgery or a prosthetic for this to be a great swim option. I apologize if that was not as clear as it could have been below.

If you or your readers are interested in any Lands' End swim items and/or accessories I would like to offer you use of the following promotion.


Code: SWIM

PIN: 530530530

Expiration: April 17, 2008


Again, thank you for your response and please let me know if I can provide any additional information.


Regards,
*** "

*

***,

How thoughtful of you to respond to my letter. Perhaps I didn't give the swimwear appropriate consideration. You are certainly right that the swimwear could be enjoyed without a prosthesis- though I would be concerned that the "empty" cup would appear puffy and vulnerable to being smushed in. I do love the fabrics and the styles are actually quite "fashionable".

I am very honest and informative with my readers and I think any discourse/dialogue surrounding the politics of fashion after a breast cancer surgery is very important. With this in mind I will post our email conversations (I won't use your personal or company name, of course) along with the promotional offer- thank you very much for that.

All the best,
Jacqueline

*

"Hi Jacqueline,

If you want, we could send a suit so that you can provide your readers with first hand experience. You can view the line here. Just pick a suit that you like and send me your size and shipping information and we can get one sent over right away. Does that interest you?

Thanks!
*** "

*

WOW! Do you mean a "complimentary" suit?

*

"Yes exactly!"

*

THANK YOU!!! I'm at work (lunch at my desk) and my monitor can be seen by the entire office (new job)- no one knows my med history (just yet) and I don't want to be seen looking at pm suits- (social politics-sigh). But I will certainly view them this evening and choose one!!!

How thoughtful! AND interactive!!! This discourse exchange is so necessary and important! I'll certainly review the suit on my blog. I plan to post our conversations tonight (last night got away from me) and it will be cool to continue with a review...

Kindly,
Jacqueline

*

"Wonderful! (I definitely understand the new job social politics)... I will send your suit choice in on Monday so we can get it to you right away.

Have a wonderful weekend and talk to you soon!
*** "

*
note:
Truth be told...
In an effort to embrace the offer I've looked at my options. And looked some more. I think I've discovered a suit from the "post-mastectomy" category with a good cut... to renovate in a Rhea Belle kind of way. But clearly. Clearly. These suits are made for women who would prefer to fake it (I just can't think of a better, more political term to use here)- with generous padding, shaped cups and a structural/architectural design created more for the two-breasted body. Ideologically, philosophically, intellectually and even poetically I simply can not embrace the idea of the padding or prosthesis pockets. So I'll most likely remove it all. There are indeed some very cool and classically designed bathing suits in the "two-breasted" choices. And considering of the 216 suits available only 14 are "post-mastectomy" I did see several other suits that were not in the "post-mastectomy" category that I also liked, perhaps even better. But we'll start with the one I've chosen. I'll keep you posted on the renovations... if they're even necessary. I am certain they will be.

I've chosen Item #28066-1AJ5. I like the classic style- the kind that doesn't look like I'm wearing my underwear to the beach. And it's the kind of cut that when I dive, summer-salt underwater, wrestle with John or tossing the nerf I won't be pulling fabric out of my crack when I wade back to the sand. I've never exposed a whole lot of skin while swimming and haven't owned a two-piece since forever. I do wish this suit came in a funner fabric- I also like the the version that's NOT in the "post-mastectomy" category but I don't think it's an option. If Lands' End were on the ball they'd be designing these suits for our transformed bodies in fabulously printed and thoughtfully designed fabrics to balance/compliment our asymmetrical architecture without unnecessary padding and pockets.

I'll keep you posted...

*

hello there ***,

how about suit #28066-1aj5 size 8 in black.

is it too late to take you up on the offer?

*

"nope not at all! I will place the order and be in touch soon to let you know when it will arrive. Also, if you want to giveaway a gift card to one of your readers we can do that as well. You can set up the giveaway how ever you like, and then just send me the winners information and we will take it from there.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks!
*** "

*

thank you!!! have you seen my recent post at my blog. i am writing an honest and "true to myself" documentation of our dialogue. i do hope there are no objections on your end... please let me know! when i get home tonight i'll add something about the "give-away". THANK YOU for what i believe is an essential collaboration of ideologies- a marriage of different minds- solidarity!

jacqueline

*

"Hi Jacqueline,

I read the post and I think it sounds great. I hope you enjoy the suit and find it fits nicely. I will be placing your order today hopefully, so you should have it by the end of the week or Monday at the latest. Stay tuned!"

*

note: a pause for reflection and observation.

*

"Hi Jacqueline,

I just wanted to let you know that I have placed your suit order and you should receive it early next week. Let me know if it doesn't come.

Thanks!

*

more about stars.

After participating in this conversation a few days ago and then this comment thread last night and then found "The Warrior" today... I really need these to cleanse my raging palette.

hope's the dope...

Pink Ribbons, Inc
by Samantha King

Breast Cancer: Society Shapes an Epidemic
by Anne S. Kasper

A Darker Ribbon: A Twentieth-Century Story of Breast Cancer, Women, and Their Doctors
by Ellen Leopold

Sarah Lochlann Jain
Unravel the Pink Ribbon

awareness.

ricochet.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the polaroid diptych:
"A summer with 65 GY, 2000"

beauty in the dark.

sometimes anger shines like a star in the sky. it's beauty often only seen in the dark.

... If people don't get how offensive and oppressive all of the pink stuff is and how transparent the merchandizing is than I simply don't know what to say to you. But Amy brings up the core issue with the pink products and the marketing. As usual our society has found a way to make money off of breasts. It is as simple as that. And then it's pushed further with a COLOR that is intrinsically attached to the ideals of FEMININE- pink is for girly girls. When a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, or worse, has to have a mastectomy her entire social and political ideologies that surround her body collide with her mortality. That's what makes this disease different AND popular. The issue with this pink stuff transcends all of the capitalistic-money-making-monsters and invades my dignity as a woman who has survived this f****** disease TWICE!!! Am I angry? YES. You bet I am. Am I angry that I had cancer? NO. I AM ANGRY FOR THE IGNORANCE THAT SPREADS THROUGHOUT MAINSTREAM AMERICA AND CONTINUES TO SABOTAGE MY INTEGRITY AS AN EQUAL PARTICIPANT IN THE WORLD WHO DESERVES NOT TO HAVE HER BODY, SEXUALITY AND FEMININITY EXPLOITED. Save the boobs, "save the tatas" and pink BREAST awareness are messages that are woven into the forces that drive women into reluctant post mastectomy reconstruction and to wear uncomfortable ugly prosthesis because it's all about the breast, it's all about our femininity isn't it? It's a fear driven campaign.  And if you don't get how manipulated you are by this clever pink seductive "let's pull on their heart strings and offend their sexuality by making it ALL about breast while we're at it" campaign simply to makemoney than you are simply not observing the world with clarity. PINK sells stuff- BREASTS sell stuff and that's the bottom line.
The campaign simply has to change and any strong minded AWARE woman knows this.

that is a response to this.

Note: "When a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, or worse, has to have a mastectomy..." By "worse" I am not referring to a mastectomy as an unfortunate mutilating surgery or that the mastectomy is worse than the cancer itself. Mastectomies SAVE LIVES! and after having a lumpectomy followed by radiation treatments at the time of my first diagnoses I can say without regret but with deep hindsight honesty that if I could live it over I would do it differently. After a second diagnoses/re-occurrence several years later (resulting in a mastectomy) I believe a mastectomy the first time around makes better medical and health sense. When I said "worse" I was referring/playing into to the physical, visual symbol of breast cancer "fear" AS IF the mastectomy is the worst part of it.
and
"...because it's all about the breast, it's all about our femininity isn't it?"- please insert a grand tone of distaste here.

tulips and eggshells.

comment to "The Breastless Debate".

If this conservative, oppressive, misguided society in which I live in can get away with shoving it's mainstream-shallow-ideals of how a woman's body should look in my face then I have the right to shove these unmeasured thoughtful words back.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said to myself- “this wasn’t a political decision- a statement maker”. The decision to walk the earth without a fake breast was a simple one based on my own personal ideologies and tolerances. However, I am wiling to admit that I am living in a “sociosexual” bombarded/guided society and that any decision about my body and how I “display” myself in the world is informed by my reactions to the society in which I live. I make every effort to guide my inner dialogue with clarity and honesty and to make sure there are no conflicts within my language. I don’t say things like “I wanted to look, feel normal” like so many women with implants and prosthesis say. I don’t suggest that I “disposed of my vanity after my mastectomy” like I’ve read from a woman under-going breast reconstruction. There is nothing normal feeling/looking or vanity-free about breast reconstruction or prostheses. Socially- yes these bodies look normal because clothing aids as a buffer. Naked and alone with the truth exposed, the trickery fails. If we can’t all agree on that then someone is kidding themselves. There is a massive refusal to admit the raw truth behind what supports our decisions as we design our bodies and socially conscious selves after a single or bi-lateral mastectomy. If there is indeed some degree of a sociosexual statement to be perceived from the simple act of refusing anything fake in/on my body then so be it. But no one should misguide themselves and believe, not even a mere comforting second, that the decision to have an implant or two or to wear a prosthesis is not PURELY a socially and/or sexually driven act.

We must all thoughtfully, truthfully clarify our language and acknowledge the very real pressures that surround the manipulation of our bodies- physically and socially. Until women can look in the mirror and empower themselves with their own deep truths, without prejudice and judgment, the continued deception of who or what guides our decisions will be the fist that pummels us more deeply into the depths of what seems like, bottomless oppression.

I'm sick of the implication that moving forward without reconstruction or a prosthesis is the inferior solution. The medical arena as well as the government makes sure we have complete access to and financial support for reconstructive surgery. Amoena provides a "better quality of life" and Nearly You makes sure that we can get the perfect $300+ prosthesis and all the swim wear and bras our little hearts desire. But try to find one- JUST ONE single cup bra (besides the one I made!) or garment that embraces the body with one or no breast. Mainstream America's obsession to look normal and/or deny our own mortality by acts of deception forces women who don't buy into these illusions to find resolve in granny shawls, over-sized t-shirts, dart-less garments, speedos and/or diving gear. I had a breast removed. NOT my damn sense of style!

It could not be more blatant that society wants to deny that these single or no-breasted bodies exist in hopes that eventually we will join the masses- "faking it" while in the peaceful, quiet folds of a pretty, soft, cozy big fat pink ribbon.

"Prosthesis offers that empty comfort of 'Nobody will know the difference'. But it is that very difference which I wish to affirm, because I have lived it, and survived it, and wish to share that strength with other women. If we are to translate the silence surrounding breast cancer into language and action against this scourge, then the first step is that women with mastectomies become visible to each other. For silence and invisibility go hand in hand with powerlessness."
Audre Lorde, "The Cancer Journals", 1980
(Chapter III, "Breast Cancer: Power vs. Prosthesis")

and mere observations here.

a bodice front.

photo: oil painting on vintage paperclip box (cardboard), metal clamp, sewing pattern and wire, 1992

history prevails. art and life come full circle.
i retrieved this old scuplture/painitng from a box in our storage loft. i am always amazed at how well it survives the many moves and mis-handling. it rolls around in the box with the clamp attached. i made this piece shortly after my undergraduate studies (1992-ish) and in one of my first studios outside of academia. i was utilizing sewing patterns independent of actually using them for sewing. i have been thinking about this piece a lot lately as i have witnessed the ongoing various textures of offensive, irresponsible media messages regarding, not only the BREAST cancer campaign, but the centuries old strategy of using the female body for exploitation, whether admittedly or not, in any advertising.

example 1.
example 2.
example 3.
example 4.
example 5.
etc. etc. etc.

when i install this work for display i am always careful to consider the conceptual implications spoken by the tension between the wire and the tissue paper. in the past i have pulled the wire upwards so tightly that the tissue nearly tears- implying the unbearable weight of the clamp and its content. tonight, however, i chose to mysticize the strength of the tissue over the weight of the clamp, the box and its image, leaving the bodice unaffected.

REAL awareness. and truths.

"When I walked into the doctor's office, I was really rather pleased with myself, all things considered, pleased with the way I felt, with my own flair, with my own style. The doctor's nurse, a charmingly bright and steady woman of about my own age who had always given me a feeling of quiet no-non-sense support on my other visits, called me into the examining room. On the way, she asked me how I was feeling.
"Pretty good," I said, half-expecting her to make some comment about how good I looked.
"You're not wearing a prosthesis," she said, a little anxiously, and not at all like a question.
"No," I said, thrown off my guard for a minute. "It really doesn't feel right," referring to the lambswool puff given to me by the Reach For Recovery volunteer in the hospital.
Usually supportive and understanding, the nurse now looked at me urgently and disapprovingly as she told me that even if it didn't look exactly right it was "better than nothing," and that as soon as my stitches were out I could be fitted for a "real form."
"You will feel so much better with it on," she said. "And besides, we really like you to wear something, at least when you come in. Otherwise it's bad for the morale of the office."
I could hardly believe my ears! I was too outraged to speak then, but this was to be only the first assault on my right to define and to claim my own body."

the above words are reference to October, 1978 shortly following her mastectomy and is an excerpt from page 60 of "The Cancer Journals" (Special Edition), 1980, by Audre Lorde

and 22 years later.
May 2000.


and 26 years later.
March 2004.

and 29 years later on a Wednesday.
April 2007.

and in the spring.
April 2007.

and in the Fall.
September 2007.


and 30 years later in the summer.
August 2008.

tolerant, team rebels.

a blast?
well, i'll be honest... these "awareness" walks are never a blast for me. they are a mixed bag of joy- because i'm there amongst the living- but also with restrained, throat stiffening sadness- because the "in memory" tags surround you.

and then there's the side of me that really didn't want to be there- just get me out of "cancerland". at one point i even suggested that we cut out of the park and get breakfast. g immediately started looking for a pathway out. but it seemed too much like cheating. and i couldn't rationalize or intellectualize why i wanted to escape so we just kept walking. but escape is what i wanted. instead i clammed up. got cranky. and entered a real funk that i am just starting to come out of.

and then there was my t-shirt. the one in the photograph. the one i 'whipped up' the night before because i refused to wear the bright pink, too big- "i would never wear this t-shirt on any other day of the year so why wear it now" race t-shirt. but i must say i have never felt so out of place as i did in the sea of over 25,000 walkers this day. and despite my "rebel" reputation i just could not muster the kahoonas to rise above the feeling of defeat and thinking "why didn't i just wear the big ugly shirt?". then i was frustrated that i had become so self-conscious about it. so arrogant to think that it mattered. but sh*t! it did.

it matters that on this particular day we march against a disease that mutilates our bodies, chisels at our souls a bit, and often challenges our spirituality and body politics. and then, when the disease is gone we re-invent ourselves. we rebuild. we thoughtfully design ourselves to re-enter the world in a form that we can be proud of. but, yet on this day of awareness. this day of celebration. we veil ourselves in corporate sponsorship.

i'd like to have blast at one of these walks... sing a fight song at the top of my lungs... hear marching bands at the mile markers... see women proud to be in their beautiful new bodies, in their own clothes, in their own individuality... on this day... of all days.

ps. thanks for not wearing one, g.
originally posted here

lucky stars and crescent moons.

"...now if you have a mastectomy- you will get an implant. NO woman leaves my o.r. without reconstruction... (an implant)".

this is a quote from my (female) surgeon in may of 2000 following my diagnosis of ductal carcinoma in-situ/non-invasive breast cancer. she suggested that we move forward with conservative breast surgery (lumpectomy) followed by radiation treatments instead of a mastectomy. she explained that a mastectomy was, in her opinion, an "extreme" alternative in my situation. she left behind a beautiful post-lumpectomy crescent moon shaped scar in the upper/outer quadrant of my right breast. the radiation treatments that followed left behind a shrunken, unnaturally firm breast supported by permanently tender and fragile muscle and ribs.

however, i thank my lucky stars that the unavoidable mastectomy that eventually occurred in my life came four years later- at the hands of another surgeon. an incredible supportive surgeon who removed my moon and pulled my skin tightly and beautifully against my core for me as to say "now and forever i will live within this vessel AS IT IS".

reflections of a historical mystery.

truth is the impetus for the presence of these words. an honest insight into insecurity and/or a curious battle with philosophy and social politics. either way, i am certain that with the eviction of these thoughts from my head i shall be set free. i am certain...

for forty two years (real close to forty three) i have walked the earth with a body designed by nature. two years ago it was re-designed by it as well. in my mind my body is still normal; i had cancer in my right breast, therefore, the breast was removed, therefore, i no longer have cancer or my right breast. this newly designed vessel that i experience life through- and in- serves me beautifully.

then why are there weekday mornings when i pile my favorite weekend blouses and snug t-shirts on the bed after pulling them on and then off after critically analyzing whether or not the fabric is too telling on the right side. too empty. and finally settling for the long sleeved one that is usually too hot for the season but "puffy" enough in the front to not show off anything... at all. and then there's the scarf-o'flauge (see "scarfless in brooklyn" a few posts back for that story).

i know in my heart that breast reconstruction wasn't for me. geeze- i freaked out when i found out that the surgeon who performed my lumpectomy five years ago chose to place three 1/8" long metal staples onto breast tissue and around the perimeter of the excision in order to see the site better on future mammograms. if the thought of these small pieces of metal under my skin bothered me- i can imagine what a mound of anything that would be literally shoved, crammed and forced under my brutally stretched radiated muscle and skin would have done to my personal psychology. and i know in my heart that the $300 prosthesis that lives in my drawer does more damage than good to my integrity. and all of this to avoid looking normal. or would it be- all of this to look normal?

so. why do my words not reflect my feelings when i'm preparing to step out into the world. well, i'm human for one. and live in a world guided, or mis-guided by misunderstood illusions of beauty. so if it takes daily affirmations like "i'm no clown for your enatainment" (in a joe pesci from 'goodfellas' kind of voice) to assimilate or even protect myself from the world around me- then so be it. at the end of the day or more profoundly- at the end of this journey- it's not about what my body looks like- it's how i've taken care of it and respected it. and best of all that i guide it through the days on my own terms.