the view from here.

i spent the day placing new garments in the rhea belle apparel store with more to come in the next few weeks. some more radical and to the point. it was joyfully bound to happen.

i'm preparing. there's a lot going on with this project including a coffee table book that's in the works that will hi-lite rebel1in8 and rhea belle apparel. it's a collaboration between Privacy Wear and THEME magazine so i anticipate nothing but sheer and uber coolness to come of it. it should be coming out in the fall. i'm not sure i'm suppose to mention any details until it actaully comes out. but be assured that i will keep you posted. also, i was contacted this week by a costume designer working on a play that involves a character who is dealt a breast cancer diagnosis and explores the aftermath of a mastectomy.

in a letter to me she writes "I found your shop while researching post-mastectomy clothes, because I didn't think that the character, Ann, would have used prosthetics. I have to say, your clothes are amazing and the clients' comments should make you feel so proud!!! It's very touching to read the reviews of women whom the clothes helped to feel beautiful and feminine and mainly, themselves again. Thank you!"

through phone correspondence she informed me that the costume designs were inspired by my collection. since no other clothes like mine were found during her research the producer agreed that my website and store will be mentioned in the program at the costume designer's request. a NEW YORK production!!! i have also been invited to provide literature for my website and store in the theater for the audiences. and, of course, i'll be getting free tickets to the show. (after the show opens i will provide the name and location- i have my reasons for not doing so at this time.) geezus, how cool is this!? i'm suppose to receive a copy of the script and designs this week.

...and to top it all off- a certain garment is in the patent process in legal hands as we speak and i should be able to launch/unveil it in the fall. another motto of mine: if you need it and it doesn't exist- miyods! (make it your own damn self) so i did.

do i feel lucky these days? well, i've always said that luck is: simply (or not) being prepared for an opportunity or open door. so yes, i'm feeling lucky. very very lucky. and damn proud of myself for sticking with it.
.
.
.
i'm the revelling rebel

departures. arrivals.

"Refashioning with a purpose: Clothes for the one-breasted woman" by Debra Roby.

sing it.

sometimes
and often
from
loss
grows
a whisper
a roar

and
song.



*
get the patch.
*

m.i.y.o.d.s.

Why settle for only what's offered at the overpriced department stores and boutiques? If finding the right garment is difficult and you'd rather "make it your own damn self" from scratch or by renovating an existing garment then here's the list for you! I'm posting ideas and references to designs that not only embrace the terrane of the post mastectomy, non-reconstructed, no-prosthesis body but these designs thoughtfully celebrate and honor it. I'll post photos of handmade garments and basic "how to" instructions so check back in often if you're interested in the Do It Yourself approach to your wardrobe solutions. We'll start with the obvious... Rhea Belle designs at Rebel1in8.
"The design and marketing of items of wear for one-breasted women is only a question of time, and we who are now designing and wearing our own asymmetrical patterns and New Landscape jewelry are certainly in the vanguard of a new fashion!"
Audre Lorde, "The Cancer Journals", 1980

Rhea Belle designs.

The DIYNOTDIE star reconstructs a sweater.

"Cut up yer shirts!!! sez Pocketina."

Take charge! Go knit somehthing!

Two Dutch warriors rock out a post mastectomy clothing line in the late 90's!!!

HAPPY RHEA!

The program in which I was included is now online!

See "Breast Cancer: New Thinking & New Therapies", WABC TV, Channel 7, NY (American Cancer Society).

And don't forget the CALL TO ARMS!!!.

more icing!

I received the following email today!!!

*
FYI,
There’s been considerable interest in the Breast Cancer Special just aired and so wanted to let you know that we are re-running it in several ways.

On WABC TV and WABC TVHD we will re-run it this Sunday 10/14 at 5:30am EST.

We also will soon be streaming it on our website HERE.

We will also re-run it on our digital channel.
The call letters are DABC but the cable channels call it WABC Plus.

On Cablevision it is channel 107 and on Time Warner it is channel 164.

If people have satellites, they should contact their carrier for the channel number.

Re-run times are on the following days & times:

Fridays: 3:30am-4am

Saturdays: 6pm-6:30pm & 3:30am-4am

Sundays: 6pm-6:30pm & 3:30am-4am

This schedule begins October 19th and will continue for approx. 2 months.

Thanks so much for your interest.

Best regards,
Jeelu Billimoria
Senior Producer
WABC TV
*

How cool is that!?

more about stars.

After participating in this conversation a few days ago and then this comment thread last night and then found "The Warrior" today... I really need these to cleanse my raging palette.

hope's the dope...

Pink Ribbons, Inc
by Samantha King

Breast Cancer: Society Shapes an Epidemic
by Anne S. Kasper

A Darker Ribbon: A Twentieth-Century Story of Breast Cancer, Women, and Their Doctors
by Ellen Leopold

Sarah Lochlann Jain
Unravel the Pink Ribbon

awareness.

ricochet.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the polaroid diptych:
"A summer with 65 GY, 2000"

icing on the cake.

I am involved in a television program about breast cancer. I was interviewed about my Rebel1in8 website and my Rhea Belle clothing designs. A lot has happened this year with my project and I think the opportunity to participate in this awesome program is a sign that my heart is in the right place- as it is my guide these days.

Produced by Emmy Awards winner Jeelu Billimoria "Breast Cancer: New Thinking & New Therapies" airs this Sat. 10/6 at 7:30pm on WABC TV. If you are not in the NY/Tri-State area the program can be seen via satellite TV (ABC East).

Press release:
*
WABCOctober 4, 2007
WABC-TV TO AIR SPECIAL“BREAST CANCER: NEW THINKING AND NEW THERAPIES”
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6 AT 7:30PM

WABC-TV will mark Breast Cancer Awareness Month with a special entitled “Breast Cancer: New Thinking and New Therapies” beginning at 7:30 p.m., ET on Saturday, October 6. The half-hour special, anchored by Eyewitness News Anchor Diana Williams and Reporter Stacey Sager, will examine the progress being made in breast cancer diagnosis and treatments. From new guidelines on the use of MRI’s to advances in surgery and issues surrounding affordable healthcare, WABC will take a look at the most recent advancements and will highlight the latest thinking on breast cancer.

WABC speaks to medical experts and researchers from New York’s top cancer treatment centers including: Memorial Sloan-Kettering, St. Luke’s - Roosevelt Comprehensive Breast Center, Beth Israel Medical Center Comprehensive Breast Service, Murray Hill Radiology and American Cancer Society. WABC also speaks to survivors of breast cancer and features Kris Carr, author and film-maker of “Crazy Sexy Cancer;” Marisa Acocella Machetto, author of “Cancer Vixen;” and Jacqueline Lou Skaggs, founder, “Rebel 1 in 8” and many others.

This annual special is part of WABC-TV’s continuing commitment to the Making Strides against Breast Cancer Campaign of the American Cancer Society. This marks WABC's 13th year as media sponsors of the Making Strides walk; viewers can learn more about the October 21st event here.

Tune in to “Breast Cancer: New Thinking & New Therapies" on Saturday, October 6 at 7:30 p.m. ET.

Jeelu Billimoria is the Senior Producer of “Breast Cancer: New Thinking & New Therapies.”

*

cake and photo created by gcs.

amazon seamstress.

My friend and crafty rebel spinning knitter gardner apple tree havin' extraordinaire Tina has written a glowing article for etsy's STORQUE about Rebel1in8 and Rhea Belle clothing. I was honored to be a part of such a well written and supportive piece. Because of it I have sold every last Rebel cap necklace in my etsy store so a new batch is in the works!!! Stay tuned because a lot of new jewelry and clothing is coming!

"amazon seamstress". I love that. love. love. love.

photo by gcs.

Rebel Coo...

i had a joyfully full day today hanging out with my dear friend Isabel and her 10 month old daughter Lucia. we took the subway to an estate in the bronx called Wave Hill. an incredibly beautiful area with rolling hills, voluptuous trees and tamed gardens. we had lunch on a terrace overlooking the hudson and then ventured within the gardens to romp in the grass with Lucia. we were there for hours talking, watching, singing silly songs and making kazoo sounds through stretched grass between my thumbs.

i purchased a set of five onesies for Lucia with the intention of making comfortable little dresses with my fabric scraps from the Rhea Belle clothing. i succeeded and was giddy to give them to her knowing that Isabel would be thrilled. and she was. Lucia, well, putting on clothes isn't her favorite thing. taking her clothes off is pretty easy- it's getting them back on. these are the first three. i have to make an adjustment to the one with the full skirt- it's too tight at the waste to go over her shoulders/arms comfortably. i'm going to open the side and either install a zipper or a fun button.

Isabel came up with the name "Rebel Coo" as we discussed the possibilities of selling the dresses. they are so easy and the concept to offer them through Rebel1in8 flowed from a river of conversations surrounding the ideals and social constructs that both bind and guide young women. i love Lucia. she's an amazing human being already- she's kind, sharing, thoughtful, social and for 10 months old she has a fantastic sense of humor. she gives me a hardy laugh when i make the ugliest faces at her. i mentioned to Isabel that i was very conscious of the number of times i wanted to say "you're so adorable" or "you're so beautiful" when i looked at Lucia. i don't want to be one of those people that defines and praises a young girl for her looks- although i'm referring more to her disposition. i'm convinced that self confidence, integrity and body image starts at a very young age. at 10 months? probably not. but who really knows? at any rate, i do like the idea of making very comfy dresses made only from scraps to crawl and run around in. and when these little dresses economically support Rhea Belle clothing i'll like em' even more! so keep an eye out in my etsy store for Rebel Coo... and select Rhea Belle garments , too.

the color of sun dress.

pure asymmetry embraced by yellow. my all time favorite color. three light cotton comfy low v-neck t-shirts evolved into this dress. one and a half shirts created the top. a third shirt created the bottom portion of the dress while the other half of the second shirt gave birth to two triangles for flare. this dress is great over jeans, leggings, long shorts or even a nice light-airy skirt. it is super comfortable, cool and saucy.

This incredibly comfortable t-shirt embraces asymmetry with the re-invention of the v-neck and cries of rebellion. When I wear the one that I made for myself I feel as if I'm walking down the street with a body covered in beautiful tattoos and piercings- empowered by my decision to go against the grain, upstream and naturally asymmetrical. It is my sharp intention to carve a wide path into the world that makes it clear that these bodies are out there and are here to thrive in glorious fashion and comfort.

See Rhea Belle.

the leah summer dress.

named after my grandmother because the beautifully light and cool floral fabric reminds me of her. again, this dress was created with three light cotton shirts. i just love the draping of a summer cowl neck. i let this one hang off the shoulder at one side (or the other). the fabric can be pulled off of both shoulders for a more glamorous look or simply cooler-refreshing experience. another great thing about my dresses that are made with stretchy-comfy shirts is that they ca be gathered at the waste or pulled down over the hips for a more fitted look. the airy floral fabric for the front and back panels was a delightful find... and i'm not givin' that source up.

See Rhea Belle.

tulips and eggshells.

comment to "The Breastless Debate".

If this conservative, oppressive, misguided society in which I live in can get away with shoving it's mainstream-shallow-ideals of how a woman's body should look in my face then I have the right to shove these unmeasured thoughtful words back.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said to myself- “this wasn’t a political decision- a statement maker”. The decision to walk the earth without a fake breast was a simple one based on my own personal ideologies and tolerances. However, I am wiling to admit that I am living in a “sociosexual” bombarded/guided society and that any decision about my body and how I “display” myself in the world is informed by my reactions to the society in which I live. I make every effort to guide my inner dialogue with clarity and honesty and to make sure there are no conflicts within my language. I don’t say things like “I wanted to look, feel normal” like so many women with implants and prosthesis say. I don’t suggest that I “disposed of my vanity after my mastectomy” like I’ve read from a woman under-going breast reconstruction. There is nothing normal feeling/looking or vanity-free about breast reconstruction or prostheses. Socially- yes these bodies look normal because clothing aids as a buffer. Naked and alone with the truth exposed, the trickery fails. If we can’t all agree on that then someone is kidding themselves. There is a massive refusal to admit the raw truth behind what supports our decisions as we design our bodies and socially conscious selves after a single or bi-lateral mastectomy. If there is indeed some degree of a sociosexual statement to be perceived from the simple act of refusing anything fake in/on my body then so be it. But no one should misguide themselves and believe, not even a mere comforting second, that the decision to have an implant or two or to wear a prosthesis is not PURELY a socially and/or sexually driven act.

We must all thoughtfully, truthfully clarify our language and acknowledge the very real pressures that surround the manipulation of our bodies- physically and socially. Until women can look in the mirror and empower themselves with their own deep truths, without prejudice and judgment, the continued deception of who or what guides our decisions will be the fist that pummels us more deeply into the depths of what seems like, bottomless oppression.

I'm sick of the implication that moving forward without reconstruction or a prosthesis is the inferior solution. The medical arena as well as the government makes sure we have complete access to and financial support for reconstructive surgery. Amoena provides a "better quality of life" and Nearly You makes sure that we can get the perfect $300+ prosthesis and all the swim wear and bras our little hearts desire. But try to find one- JUST ONE single cup bra (besides the one I made!) or garment that embraces the body with one or no breast. Mainstream America's obsession to look normal and/or deny our own mortality by acts of deception forces women who don't buy into these illusions to find resolve in granny shawls, over-sized t-shirts, dart-less garments, speedos and/or diving gear. I had a breast removed. NOT my damn sense of style!

It could not be more blatant that society wants to deny that these single or no-breasted bodies exist in hopes that eventually we will join the masses- "faking it" while in the peaceful, quiet folds of a pretty, soft, cozy big fat pink ribbon.

"Prosthesis offers that empty comfort of 'Nobody will know the difference'. But it is that very difference which I wish to affirm, because I have lived it, and survived it, and wish to share that strength with other women. If we are to translate the silence surrounding breast cancer into language and action against this scourge, then the first step is that women with mastectomies become visible to each other. For silence and invisibility go hand in hand with powerlessness."
Audre Lorde, "The Cancer Journals", 1980
(Chapter III, "Breast Cancer: Power vs. Prosthesis")

and mere observations here.

wrapped, comfy asymmetry.

this t of wrapped brownness started out as two cotton shirts. the short sleeved top had a double layer front that i was able to crop and then cut out a section on the right side to unveil a landscape of ruching. the bottom ruffled edges from the t-shirt were sewn to the new opening to add cohesive, finished edges. the dark brown came from a long sleeved tunic- i'll be working on a garment to utilize the top portion so stay tuned. the ties were made by cutting strips of left over fabric and tying the strips together. the garment can be tied as loosely as desired in the front or back. this is one comfy top!!!


See Rhea Belle.

renovation. revolution.

my friend and rebel comrade at DIY, NOT DIE is illustrating how she is renovating her wardrobe to more gracefully fit her post bi-lateral mastectomy architecture without the use of prostheses. as she describes- she doesn't want to wear Threadless t-shirts all of the time (although i'll have to thank her for turning me on to them!) so she's re-inventing the more tailored garments in her wardrobe. in just several easy steps she walks through the process of removing and replacing existing darts with a more user-friendly placement of them to accommodate her form with comfort. keep an eye on her! she's going to change the world!!!

impinged diligence.

(a contribution to meltdowns)
over a month ago i began experiencing pain in my left shoulder. it came on gradually and as i entered the third or so week of discomfort i could hardly lift my arm out to the side, behind me or across my front without an alarming breath-taking pinch inside my shoulder that would radiate towards the upper third part of my arm. so, finally, i decided to look for an orthopedic specialist. it seems whenever i am bothered with some new, foreign physical discomfort i get annoyingly burdened with a disposition owned and operated by vulnerability and thus, cranky. this state really pisses me off. so i researched and found a couple of orthopedic doctors within my insurance network and set their numbers aside to call in a day or so. you know- to just give it a couple more days to see if the discomfort would go away on it's own. in the meantime it was also time to schedule a couple of appointments that are due- the breast mri and the "how many times can i cancel this one" colonoscopy (i'd like to know the statistics on how many times this procedure is cancelled and re-scheduled). having to tend to any procedure puts way more attention on my physicality than i care to offer. it's disruptive at best. that's why i put off the shoulder thing. and i have yet to schedule the colonoscopy. anyway, in the meantime, even though i'm mystified about my shoulder because i don't recall an "event" that would have caused injury to it and despite the fact that i'm getting a little worried about it i decide to give it a little more time. and besides i've heard folks around me complain of joint aches and pains so i figure "how bad could it be?". "it's probably nothing serious" they say. i am 43- doesn't joint pain come with the territory?

it was during this time that i came across some information that puts me in a tailspin. my friend posted information on her blog about a certain kind of lymphedema and my mind immediately went wandering. i self diagnosed myself, of course. i was now considering the possibility of truncal lymphedema. i had complained twice to my doctor about pain in my under arm area and this mere fact didn't help: lymphedema is an ongoing concern for anyone that has had a mastectomy for it can come on at anytime, even years, after surgery. i freaked out and called my friend right away. after she calmed me down with her rational, peaceful wisdom she asked me if, besides the pain and discomfort in my shoulder, "do you have any swelling?". "um, no" i replied. considering that the swelling is THE main symptom of truncal lymphedema my diagnosis seemed inappropriate. she then guided the conversation to the recent announcement of the metastatic Stage 4 bone cancer diagnoses of Elizabeth Edwards just that day. at the time i thought my friend was changing the topic to get my mind off my shoulder "worries". it wasn't until after i saw a doctor that i realized that, perhaps, she was thinking i should be taking the pain a little more seriously. especially after she learned that i had been dealing with it for weeks and it came on gradually with no specific cause. prior to our conversation i was wondering if i should see my surgeon or an orthopedic specialist. after evaluating my condition we agreed that i'd see a joint doctor first- that i would benefit from an x-ray.

so i make the appointment with an orthopedic specialist and actually go to it. i fill out the usual forms and health/history questionaire and by the time i get in to see the doctor he knows just about everything about me. he's a genuinely nice person with a good direct, matter-of-fact delivery. his first question out of the gate is "how long have you been experiencing this discomfort?" "almost a month" i answer. i am then asked to display examples of what movements my shoulder can tolerate or should i say CAN'T tolerate following the commanded questions "can you do this? and how about this? and this? and how about this? and how far?" "geeze!!! did i mention my shoulder HURTS when i move it?" i wanted ask. but didn't. finally he say's we need an x-ray. so i comply.

i'm sitting in the exam room upon the exam table waiting for the results when the doc returns. instead of heading over to computer to immediately review the x-ray images he sits next to me, sighs, and says "why did you wait so long to come in?" "i thought i'd wait and see if it would go away" i replied with a sort of question mark pitch- feeling like i just answered a trick question- knowing my answer was wrong. and then he continued to slather on a bountiful load of reality. "you're not like most people who can sort of dismiss or tolerate joint pain. an ache here. an ache there. typical of getting older or being athletic... and people around you might think it's helpful to say that everyone experiences some joint pain..." where the hell is this going, i wonder. and no sooner had i asked myself that question he laid out the answer. "you've had breast cancer. twice. the common place for metastatic cancer to occur is in the bones. any joint or bone pain should be taken seriously and immediately checked out. ok?"..."of course" i responded- as if i'd thought about this already and added it to the load of worries and possibilities and suddenly resenting "most" people with an embarrassing passion. with that he stood and invited me over to the computer. the moment the image came up he exclaims "there's no sign of cancer or bone abnormalities". relieved of a worry that i originally wasn't worrying about i half jokingly added "that's great, i guess i'll go now" implying that now, since it wasn't cancer i really didn't give a shit what was going on with my shoulder. and stupidly, i meant it.

what i do have is impingement syndrome in my left shoulder and i'm OVER the idea of comparing the degree of seriousness of any common ailment to cancer. i can't afford to be careless with recovery- i'm already in the early stages of "frozen shoulder" caused by limited mobility. this damn condition is painful and debilitating and gets worse before it gets better, apparently. of course i'm a truck load of grateful because i don't have bone metastasis. but should i be grateful for my shoulder impingement? i am partaking in physical therapy, chiropractic services and, for the first time, acupuncture. the condition was most likely brought on by an act of over exertion and bad posture (rounded shoulder) causing poor bone alignment.

some advice for "most people": not only is my body and it's history different from yours, so are my fears. your attempts to comfort me by minimizing or simplifying my physical complaints and concerns only makes me feel like a hypochondriac and this causes me to pretend to be one of you. the truth is- if i'm expressing discomfort or "complaining" out loud- most likely i am reaching out to you in an effort to share or expose my fears. please help me move past the fear and embrace rational action, to move forward with appropriate diligence to take care of my body without judgment or dangerous comforting.

diligence and fear are companions that live within my inner dialogue. after my first breast cancer diagnoses in 2000 i reached out to a friend by expressing fear of my first mammogram following my lumpectomy. i'm not sure if she was just trying to comfort me or she believed this to be true but she said "cancer rarely comes back. don't worry!" i'm not sure how i responded. it was the last time for a long time that i outwardly expressed fear. you see, my reality was different. i had spent hours reading about cancer cells and their growth rates. my friend apparently hadn't seen the bold graphic titled "cancer cell growth rate 100 days to 11 years (age of average palpable tumor)" on page 265 of Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book. and she obviously wasn't aware of the dueling "theories on the natural history of breast cancer". little did my friend know that too much information opens the minds door to a vast landscape of possibilities. i understood reality differently to say the least. but my expectations for her to grasp my needs were unfair.

it's hard to level the rocky landscape of worry. and even more difficult is understanding the necessary comradeship between diligence and fear. it's an ongoing process as i'll dutifully tend to annual appointments that require me to maneuver skillfully through each of them. but in between those appointments i can only remind myself that there’s no such thing as ‘an installment plan...’.

silicone. silk. glass. dreams.

add Wednesday to this list.

i dream of
demystifying that
deceitful
seductive
oppressive
mound of fake flesh.
to puncture it.
expose its powerlessness.
and watch the
stinking pink goo
flow
like lies
off the guilty tongue
of the kidnapper.
the killer even
of dignity.

2 stories. and waiting.

last monday night (day of the mri) or should i say tuesday morning i find myself still chasing sleep at 2:30 am. this was, most likely, due to the two cups of coffee i had consumed after dinner combined with a little "wait n'worry" anxiety. i swear i don't know why i do either. so after all of our viewable six chanels go into info-mercial overdrive i decide to see what's on channel 13, a pbs channel. by the texture and format of the program i conclude that it's a documentary film. i'm immediately relieved that i have found something that will consume the time that sleep refuses to embrace. "A Ring of their Own" becomes an engaging story of Ann-Marie Saccurato and Angel Bovee, two young lesbian boxers in a male driven arena. the film unveils a path of determination and passions so driven that it propels these women through personal and social struggles. their mental and physical commitment to nurture their passion for the sport of boxing is bold and- dare i say it because it sounds so cheesy- inspirational and get-off-my-arse moving. the film works it's way up to a particular fight between WBC light-weight world champion Saccurato and two-time world champion Jelena Mrdjenovich in Mrdjenovich’s hometown of Edmonton, Canada.. aside from seeing Laila Ali on "Dancing with the stars" this was my introduction to women's boxing and it's still unclear if i'll be able to call myself an avid fan anytime in the near future but i'm not ruling it out either. we can keep an eye on Angel and Ann-Marie's progress here.

so with sleep still having no interest in me at all, i waited to see what film would follow that edge-of-your-seat-10-round fight between Ann Marie and Jelena. now, i'm notorious for coincidentally picking up the right book to read or going to see just the right movie that seems to be a perfect psychological fit for my mood. and i'm always amazed when i look up just in time to witness the glide of a single bird in an otherwise empty sky. it's those moments that are just meant to intersect. well, the next film that came on was the perfect companion to "A ring of Their Own" and simply right for my 'waiting for mri results" mind. stories about life. real living and moving forward despite anything. just moving forward into the days with nothing but everything alloted to you.

what reeled next was "So Much So Fast", a film about Stephen Heywood, a 29 year old man diagnosed with ALS. this documentary film compresses a five year witness to Stephen and his army of family and friends. after Stephen is diagnosed the race is on- to live life and find, discover, and ambitiously explore the possibilities for a cure. unlike "A Ring of Their Own" i knew how this story would inevitabley end. having started reading brain hell an ongoing four year old blog written by a man living with ALS, i know that there is, still, no cure. however, what i didn't know was how far into Stephen's fatal prognosis the film would go.

it wasn't the cliche reference of the 'fight' in the first film nor the potentially simplistic implication of a 'fight for life' illusion that can sufocate the true heroics of the second film that claimed my viewing of these two documentaries as seredepitous. in both films, it was, the presence of raw, tangible necessity to move forward despite and/or in the face of realities.

some time during these films this thought occured to me; while either anxiously waiting the outcome of Ann-Marie's Edmonton fight or witnessing Stephen's oncoming reality i realized that even though i did not yet have knowledge of their outcomes- the end of both stories already existed. if i were to turn the television off during either film the outcome would not change- i simply would not know it. in this weird cerebral process i realized that the same held true for my mri results- that as i lay there in bed the reality of the results already existed. even if the diagnostic report was not yet on some desk in the "call patient" pile the results, in fact, existed in my body- either i have cancer again or i don't- one or the other is already a reality simply waiting to be unveiled. unchangeable. no one just "gets" cancer. it is present for a long while before it can actually be observed and diagnosed as a seeable threat. i didn't know what to do with this concept. if i took the 'it doesn't matter- it is what is so i might as well move forward with a clean bill of health' attitude i risked being deceived. but if i worried and imagined all the possible cell stages and treatments i would be a miserable human being to be with only to risk wasting valuable time after discovering the coast is actually clear to head back into the hills of illusionville. in either case i did find unusual surrendered comfort knowing that there was absolutely nothing i could do to stop whatever reality was mine. and in either case i will, like most of us, continue to live in the "systemic denial of approaching reality" whether that be cancer or really really old age.

as of monday 4.16.07:
mri results are in... "FINE". no evidence of cancer.

secrets. truths. and for the record.

shortly after my first mammogram several years ago following my mastectomy i began to explore the words "prophylactic mastectomy". my second diagnoses was considered a local reoccurrence with non-invasive carcinomas found near the chest wall. in case you've missed my medical history 101 from previous post- my first DCIS diagnoses was followed by a lumpectomy and radiation treatments. at the time the lumpectomy seemed like a refreshing idea compared to a mastectomy which was posed only as an unnecessary extreme option by two surgeons. in my mind a mastectomy represented an even closer look at my mortality. and to this day i have no idea why i agreed to radiation treatments. the idea of radiating my breast to save it or my life seemed absurd, even then. i can understand radiation treatments for organs of the body that have a precious mechanical function involving life support and can't be removed. i remember saying to one of my radiologist that i was considering moving forward without radiation and she replied "but it's your life we're talking about." if preventing a re-occurrence and saving my life is truly the mission of the medical world i would have had a mastectomy- the first time around. it is that simple.

i sometimes wonder if those cells that were found in breast tissue close to the chest wall, yes even after those 37 hardy radiation treatments, had a chance to travel; infiltrating neighboring lymph nodes or sneak into the bones during those three years that my breast remained- acting as a conduit. waiting only to unveil themselves in future years during their more advanced fruitful cellular life cycle. only time will tell.

so here i am tonight thinking about the mri i had this afternoon on my left, remaining breast. the breast that has become a psychological ticking time-bomb. since my mastectomy an mri is recommended once a year 6 months after my mammogram. i missed it last year (insurance issues) so this was my second. i was an emotional wreck this morning and was wondering why i even made the appointment. i mean, after all, the mammogram and ultra-sound unveiled nothing suspicious. for the love of pudding why would i want to open the doors for potentially crappy results. i mean, the longer i put off this procedure the longer i can just worry every now and then or wonder if the coast is clear to move forward in life like most people free from cancer. la-dee-da. i know, i know- i'm suppose to feel better just KNOWING so the mri should be a relief. but the thing is it's not a 50-50 thing going in. my chances are higher than the average bear and it's these odds that were pushing me to cancel the appointment. i was starting to convince myself that a little worry was worth NOT knowing. then i imagined how i'd feel after canceling the appointment. irrational and irresponsible came to mind followed by a truck load of what that worry would feel like all over again. and i know that as long as i have this breast i should take advantage of all possible screening techniques. so i brushed my damn teeth, pulled my hair back, slipped on my "boots with attitude" and put on my best "let's get this shit over with" face and walked out the door. i departed from our loft in brooklyn 15 minutes later than i had planned but still hoping to arrive cool, calm and collected. as i ascended the subway stairs on an upper east side street and back into the cool air under blue sky and sunshine i realized i was already five minutes late for my appointment with 4 long city blocks to walk ahead of me. darn! but then i think "here's my out". so i pull out the ol' celly and call the mri office. "hi, this is Jacqueline and i have a 2:30 appointment. well, i really underestimated my travel time and won't be there for another 10-15 minutes. i should probably reschedule, right?" and then came the strangely accommodating reply "oh, no. you're doing just fine. we'll see you when you get here". CRAP! i arrived hot-n-stinky, red-faced and out of breath. but i arrived.

so long story even longer i survived the mri with only minor details such as the fountain of blood that occurred when the technician was inserting the iv line into the bend of my arm for the mri contrast agent and she either uncapped too soon or didn't cap soon enough while singing "oh dat's a gude vein... a gude vein" as i witnessed a fair amount of my very own sweet red juices spurt out and penetrate the nice white wee wee pad she had carefully laid out next to me. "please, oh please let this be the worse thing that comes of all this" i sang in my head. and then there's the excruciating pain in my recently diagnosed impinged shoulder (oh, i'm gonna post about that at a later date- so stay tuned) that i had to tolerate because i had to have my arms stretched out above my head for over 30 oh-for-the-love-of-get-me-outa-here minutes.

so. with all of that accomplished and unleashed i wanted to take this opportunity to state- FORTHE RECORD- that in advance of the results of this mri that i have already discussed a prophylactic single mastectomy with my physician and i have contacted a surgeon to set up a meeting to discuss it further. i just want it to be known that i have empowered myself with this option. that i am setting up the game rules from now on and that i will not wait until cancer is invading my body before i take REAL preventive action to keep breast cancer out of my life and not simply at bay... or more honestly, i am seriously, seriously considering it.

so
just for the record.
before the results are in.
let that be known.