a break. and stitches.

My favorite poem. And the only poem I can recite...
The Red Wheelbarrow.

so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.


by William Carlos Williams, Spring and All, 1923
photo, art: a gift from Tina, paper with pressed buttons and stitches. see detail.

a wooden sky and stars.

"There is no difference between thinking and relative living. Thinking leads to pride, identification, confusion and fear. Work is a function in which we seem to be identified. But in reality work is a part of the process of life in which we cannot perceive the beginning or end of our function. We have no understanding of the process of life, in whole, or in part, and we never will. We cannot therefore identify ourselves with our work. Since the process of life reaches to the furthest star the work of each of us is of no significance in the process. In the great process, in the sum total of the outward being of all living things our work is insignificant, infinitesimal and insignificant. This must be realized."

Artist Agnes Martin, "Writings", page 90

photo: Jeanne at Coney Island, September 2007.

beauty in the dark.

sometimes anger shines like a star in the sky. it's beauty often only seen in the dark.

... If people don't get how offensive and oppressive all of the pink stuff is and how transparent the merchandizing is than I simply don't know what to say to you. But Amy brings up the core issue with the pink products and the marketing. As usual our society has found a way to make money off of breasts. It is as simple as that. And then it's pushed further with a COLOR that is intrinsically attached to the ideals of FEMININE- pink is for girly girls. When a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, or worse, has to have a mastectomy her entire social and political ideologies that surround her body collide with her mortality. That's what makes this disease different AND popular. The issue with this pink stuff transcends all of the capitalistic-money-making-monsters and invades my dignity as a woman who has survived this f****** disease TWICE!!! Am I angry? YES. You bet I am. Am I angry that I had cancer? NO. I AM ANGRY FOR THE IGNORANCE THAT SPREADS THROUGHOUT MAINSTREAM AMERICA AND CONTINUES TO SABOTAGE MY INTEGRITY AS AN EQUAL PARTICIPANT IN THE WORLD WHO DESERVES NOT TO HAVE HER BODY, SEXUALITY AND FEMININITY EXPLOITED. Save the boobs, "save the tatas" and pink BREAST awareness are messages that are woven into the forces that drive women into reluctant post mastectomy reconstruction and to wear uncomfortable ugly prosthesis because it's all about the breast, it's all about our femininity isn't it? It's a fear driven campaign.  And if you don't get how manipulated you are by this clever pink seductive "let's pull on their heart strings and offend their sexuality by making it ALL about breast while we're at it" campaign simply to makemoney than you are simply not observing the world with clarity. PINK sells stuff- BREASTS sell stuff and that's the bottom line.
The campaign simply has to change and any strong minded AWARE woman knows this.

that is a response to this.

Note: "When a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, or worse, has to have a mastectomy..." By "worse" I am not referring to a mastectomy as an unfortunate mutilating surgery or that the mastectomy is worse than the cancer itself. Mastectomies SAVE LIVES! and after having a lumpectomy followed by radiation treatments at the time of my first diagnoses I can say without regret but with deep hindsight honesty that if I could live it over I would do it differently. After a second diagnoses/re-occurrence several years later (resulting in a mastectomy) I believe a mastectomy the first time around makes better medical and health sense. When I said "worse" I was referring/playing into to the physical, visual symbol of breast cancer "fear" AS IF the mastectomy is the worst part of it.
and
"...because it's all about the breast, it's all about our femininity isn't it?"- please insert a grand tone of distaste here.

the brown shirt.

I wore this brown top during the filming of an interview. The photos in that link are by my sister who while visiting (came next door to steal a cup of jo) and always with a camera in hand "documented" my browsing through some fancy fashion mags that were found in a box on a Chelsea sidewalk in Manhattan. I occasionally peruse these mags for inspiration- in search of sentiments or not yet born parodies to exploit in my clothing photographs. I think her announcement of the television program is beautiful and I found it to be sweet that she posted it and then sent out a mass email about it from her Alcove gallery list. Participating in the filming and interview was an incredibly wonderful and challenging experience. Did I mention it was also embarrassingly stressful and that after it was all over and even though it went beautifully and I appeared very calm and composed I got a terrible headache and became nauseated as soon as the crew left. I'll write more about it soon- the good parts and other experiences in this shirt. In the mean time I'll leave you with a tale as told to me by my thirteen year old nephew. I think the brown shirt was fitting for the interview...

once upon a time there was a captain on a large ship.
just as he stepped upon the deck one afternoon a member of his crew positioned in the crow’s nest yells “captain!!! there’s an enemy ship coming towards us!!!!”
the captain responds to the nearest deck-hand “go get me my red shirt!!!”
well, a battle ensues and not one man from this ship is killed.
after the battle the guy in the crow’s nest asks the captain “why did you retrieve your red shirt before the attack?”
the captain replies “in case i was stabbed or shot my men couldn’t see that i was injured and they would continue to fight without fear or discouragement”.
several weeks go by and one day the guy in the crow’s nest yells “captain!!!
twenty enemy ships are in the distance!!!”
the captain turns to anyone in ear-shot and yells “go get me my brown pants!!!”

so. sew. sow.

During our 17th anniversary celebration dinner out last night the following conversation occurred. John and I had spent most of the afternoon with a cerulean filled sky overhead as we shot photos on our roof for an up coming "advertisement" for Rhea Belle clothing. His job was simple- well, so I thought. I listed just three things for him to keep track of while he operated the camera: make sure my stomach doesn't pooch out (I have bad posture but I'm workin' on that), keep an eye out for double chins and PLEASE make sure my Rebel necklace doesn't flip over. Well, two out of three isn't so bad (the rebel pendant flipped but photoshop fixed that)... I guess. I made the t-shirt Saturday afternoon. I had been thinking about it for a while and decided that it would soon be a classic in my collection. "Collection". What does that even mean? See, my plan is to infiltrate (pretend like I know what I'm doing and make it look right) the fashion bubble and subtly shatter the illusions of what a "survivor" looks like. Ultimately and logically she looks just like everyone else because the clothes she is wearing are made just for her. When I put the "classic Rebel1in8 T" on- damn did I feel empowered! Does a prosthesis EVER do that? So, the conversation I mentioned went something like this: (while waiting for pork chops, home-made style mashed potatoes, asparagus, brandini fish over rice, clams and two vodka gimlets- the now drink-of-choice introduced to me by Jeanne during her visit here)...

John: (from across the candle lit table and with a smile) Um, I can see right down your shirt.

me: Which side? Breast side? Flat side?

John: (shrugging, knowing my response ahead of time) Flat side.

me: (smiling real big) Yeah, SO!

Introducing the Classic Rebel1in8 T-shirt.

friends and truths.

On the road and under sky. John and I took a road trip from New York to Indiana a couple of weeks ago. We needed to leave the lovely stanky ways of the city for a while and even more importantly we just had to get home to see family. While on the road we decided to visit a couple of friends that I met online, Kim and Tina. It was my second visit with Kim and our visit was not nearly long enough. We stopped by her place long enough to catch up a little, meet her husband and darling dog Boo and take a short breather from the road but it was well worth the minor detour. I have corresponded often with Tina but had never met her in person and after several cell phone conversations we decided to meet near her home at a food joint just off the road we were traveling. We spent nearly two hours embracing this amazing woman's energy and giddily departed with a bag generously stuffed with vegetables from her garden. I am convinced that these relationships will be life-long exchanges.

I have met many other women over the past year through Rebel1in8 and hope to meet more in the near future. I'd still love to meet women I correspond with who live in Chicago, California, Ottawa Canada, Vancouver BC, and the UK. Also among the incredible women I have personally met are Jeanne, Shelly and Jeelu. Upon my return home from our road trip I prepared for a visit from Jeanne and her friend, Pat. Jeanne came to New York from Seattle this past weekend to try on clothes from my Rhea Belle clothing line and do a little sight-seeing. I made several custom garments for her while she was here and have a couple more to ship when they're ready. Jeanne's visit was intensely wonderful and I'm planning a visit to Seattle possibly as soon as October for business ops that Jeanne is helping set up! She's also preparing a press release for me for an up'n coming Rhea Belle "fashion show". I'll keep you posted on all of that. A few months ago Shelly contacted me after discovering my website and deciding that we had many similar views surrounding the politics and social quirks that infiltrate a breast cancer diagnoses. We met for coffe to discuss topics that will be included in her next book. I recently met Jeelu when she contacted me to participate in a television program about breast cancer. She brought a film crew to our loft in early August to interview me regarding the Rebel1in8 website and Rhea Belle clothing. I'll blog about that amazing, nerve racking three hour experience very very soon, too. The program will air in early October. So much is happening.

As you can see, the creation of Rebel1in8 has guided so many incredible people and opportunities my way. But there is something I want to make clear:
While the topic of cancer has been a conduit for these meetings "cancer" certainly gets absolutely NO credit for them. You see, I do not participate in the misconception that cancer is a gift of ANY kind. It is simply and sharply a physiological, cellular event. I am not and will not ever be grateful for the two diagnoses of cancer that I have received. Cancer has not changed me, enlightened me or enriched my life in any way, shape or form. It was not a gift from any God, Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, Hallmark, secret admirer or lover. All the graceless, graceful, fearless, fearful, tactless, tactful, persistant, informed, angry and humorous ways in which I have handled my cancer diagnoses were born from characteristics that I have resourcefully accumulated through my years of living and through genetics. The reality is I'd rather not know any of these fantastic women because it is through the common thread of having had cancer that we have met. If it meant not having cancer and not knowing these women... even before my diagnoses I chose fabulous, thoughtful people to be in my life so I'd be ok without these new post cancer friends. But I do know them and I have ONLY them and myself to thank for that. I love them all and they know who they are- thank you for being in my life.

So, just to get that straight.

"Rebel Fashion"

This photo was taken in Brooklyn during Jeanne's visit when she came to New York to experience Rhea Belle clothing (and a lil' bit of the big city of course). Jeanne is a friend that I met online through a network of women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer and are navigating their way through it with attitude and integrity. I have fabulous memories of her and her friend Pat who joined her for the New York adventure. While Pat often awoke at the crack of dawn to venture out and explore the wild city Jeanne and I spent a lot of of time drinking some kickass Seattle coffee that she brought with her and talking talking and doing more talking while I made a few custom Rhea Belle garments for her. Our evenings were spent on the roof with the sunset, a glass of wine, laughter that bordered on giggling and the planning of my inevitable visit to Seattle. On their last day Jeanne and Pat took John and I out to dinner to a little restaurant in our neighborhood where Jeanne introduced me to the Gimlet- a vodka, lime and sugar beverage. Well, long story short this is now my drink of choice when I'm in the mood for a real treat. And the best part of this beverage is I think of Jeanne every single time I have it- and mainly I think of her fabulously edgy humor and her giggle- yes Jeanne, you do giggle.

While this was the first time we met Jeanne, Pat and I felt incredibly comfortable around each other and it seems as if we've all been friends for quite some time. I simply can not wait to get to Seattle- of course I'll write about that when it happens!!!

"I don't feel embarrassed to go out in public, and, amazingly, no one seems to notice that I don't have a right breast. If people DO stare, I assume they are looking at the great clothes Jacqueline has made for me. Or they are admiring my smile and my sunny attitude!" Jeanne

In the photographs Jeanne is wearing the comfy summer cowl.