tolerant, team rebels.

a blast?
well, i'll be honest... these "awareness" walks are never a blast for me. they are a mixed bag of joy- because i'm there amongst the living- but also with restrained, throat stiffening sadness- because the "in memory" tags surround you.

and then there's the side of me that really didn't want to be there- just get me out of "cancerland". at one point i even suggested that we cut out of the park and get breakfast. g immediately started looking for a pathway out. but it seemed too much like cheating. and i couldn't rationalize or intellectualize why i wanted to escape so we just kept walking. but escape is what i wanted. instead i clammed up. got cranky. and entered a real funk that i am just starting to come out of.

and then there was my t-shirt. the one in the photograph. the one i 'whipped up' the night before because i refused to wear the bright pink, too big- "i would never wear this t-shirt on any other day of the year so why wear it now" race t-shirt. but i must say i have never felt so out of place as i did in the sea of over 25,000 walkers this day. and despite my "rebel" reputation i just could not muster the kahoonas to rise above the feeling of defeat and thinking "why didn't i just wear the big ugly shirt?". then i was frustrated that i had become so self-conscious about it. so arrogant to think that it mattered. but sh*t! it did.

it matters that on this particular day we march against a disease that mutilates our bodies, chisels at our souls a bit, and often challenges our spirituality and body politics. and then, when the disease is gone we re-invent ourselves. we rebuild. we thoughtfully design ourselves to re-enter the world in a form that we can be proud of. but, yet on this day of awareness. this day of celebration. we veil ourselves in corporate sponsorship.

i'd like to have blast at one of these walks... sing a fight song at the top of my lungs... hear marching bands at the mile markers... see women proud to be in their beautiful new bodies, in their own clothes, in their own individuality... on this day... of all days.

ps. thanks for not wearing one, g.
originally posted here